Phases Online: Rated R

The Four Men in My Life in Four Parts: Finale

2006-05-01T00:14:00.000+08:00

By Sarah Lee

My father, my brother, my boyfriend and my sweetheart violin. Four men who play significant roles in my life.

Okay, so I am delusional to think that my violin, Michael or Mike for short, is male and alive, but I can tell you that Mike is much closer to me than any of the other four men and understands me perfectly. Yes, my dream man who keeps quiet, plays music all day long and bends to all my wants and requests.

Dream men like these are hard to find, so I guess I find solace and comfort in my violin more than anyone else. I remember there were days I would, in tears after a heartache or a bad day, pick Mike up. The moment I strike the first note, a sweet sonorous sound eases my heart and soul, encapsulating me in a world of our own. I guess some of you can identify with me if you share a similar relationship with your guitar, piano or instrument of choice.

Right now, Mike has taken the back seat while I whirl around the world scavenging for my daily bread. I am glad my dad is still kind enough to let me stay at home and pay for my food periodically — the comforts and security of home. Dad's been great at buying nasi lemak every morning whenever I am at home and not working.

On Sunday's after church, we would go to my dad's favourite coffee shop for lunch, at his expense. He will have his usual nasi lemak and kopi o. Mom will vary between chee cheong fun and pan mee (the best in Sri Petaling!), depending on her moods. As for myself, I rotate between nasi lemak, pan mee, curry chee cheong fun and kai siew yuk (roasted chicken and pork) rice.

Of late I am glad to say my relationship with my dad has improved quite significantly. We greet each other regularly and my dad has begun asking questions about my day sporadically. Also, he contributed a small amount of money to my trip back to the States! (He told mom that he didn't have any more money to give me anymore for my graduate studies.) Well that is an improvement in my opinion.

At this point in time, I don't have any particular grave desire to have a father-daughter relationship. I think I have crossed the threshold for such need or want and have moved on. It is pretty much how my brother feels as well about me and, likewise, me towards him. It would be nice to have that big brother coming around to rub his knuckles on my head or blowing raspberries on my tummy, but we have grown apart to pursue our individual ambitions and dreams.

My relationship with my brother will always remain the same, but whether it will become any closer than it is right now is a different story. Is it that significant to me to have a deeper and closer relationship with my brother? Truth be told, no. The only man I am interested in developing a deeper and closer relationship is my boyfriend.

We have come to a stage, as mentioned before in Part 3, where our lives are inter-twining and a lifetime partnership ensues. For some strange reason, I feel that the development of my relationship with my boyfriend makes up for all the missing male relationships in my life. Well, I wouldn't say that getting a boyfriend solved the void in my relationships with men, but you and your significant other are ready for a steady, committed, serious relationship, things tend to fall into place a little easier than others.

If one or either are not ready, well ... need I say more? Also, in addition to compatibility between partners in terms of shared values and interests, God pretty much seals the fate of your relationship. God does play a factor in your life, but that's really up to what you truly believe in. I believe that God has put me through all that I have encountered in terms of these relational experiences for a good reason with all the reasonable lessons involved.

So what's next for me in my male-relationship life? Well I am taking one day at a time and enjoying each moment as it comes along. I think that's how life should be lived partly — living each day as it comes. How about you?

The jilted feeling

2006-04-25T09:27:00.000+08:00

By Algene Tan

There is a song that was popular among my peers:

Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
I'm gonna eat some worms!
Big, fat, juicy ones
Thin, long, slimy ones
Watch how they wiggle and squirm!

The point is, no one is spared from unrequited love. It is part and parcel of life, a bitter pill we have to swallow at one point or another.

Unrequited love is not only confined to romantic relationships. It is found in platonic relationships (friendships) and family ties — anything that you have pledged loyalty to but ended up being on burnt or taken for granted.

Anger, hatred, self-pity, self-denial and depression clothe the person who has had unrequited love and chooses to remain in that reverie. If remained in that state for long, the result would be an empty shell of a person, akin to the after-affects of getting the Kiss of Death from a Dementor.

However, we have a choice: either snap out of it or remain melancholic.

It is true that snapping out of it would not be easy and quick. I'm a massive fan of cats. I heard a story of two cats that were crossing a busy road. Suddenly a car banged one of the cats, and it died immediately. The other cat tried to “resuscitate” its friend by nudging it. When it didn't respond, the cat simply walked away. The cat must have known that life must go on. If only we humans could walk away just as easily that from hurtful events.

But to quit dwelling in melancholia is the first step to healing. I understand that sometimes it “feels” nicer to dwell in melancholia — I'm part melancholic myself — but dwelling in that manner can hurt other people who love you, like your family, friends and ultimately, God. It is no use looking back at the hurtful event. It is part of history now, so you must look and move forward to better things. If you continue to look back, you won't be able to go very far ahead.

Sometimes, love hurts. But don't let unrequited love make you into a bitter person. You won't want to eat worms!

The Four Men in My Life in Four Parts: Part 4

2006-04-16T21:05:00.000+08:00

By Sarah Lee

The fourth man

Here’s something I wrote to the Phases Young Writers (PhYW) mailing list more than five years ago about an intimate relationship with this fourth man. Hence the “quality” of writing as well. But nevertheless, it best captures my relationship with this fourth man in my life. Read on and find out who he is…

One moment I gripe about the most imbecilic issues. At other times I just pipe around everything, except the sewage systems. I guess that is life for almost every other human being, even for the eccentric ones as well.

I won’t gripe this time about simply anything, but I want to tell you about something that I’ve been going nuts about. I’m in love … “Oh my goodness! Sarah’s in love …” Yeah, love.

At one point we (PhYW) have written in about love letters and issues based on love; what could possibly come next that has inter links with this topic in the PhYW now?

I am madly in love with someone whom I have spent almost every day with. Music was what we made of most of our time together. I grew to love him more and more as we spent hours and hours together. Every morning I would wake up and think about him, wondering how would he be like and whether he was all right.

Anxiety would fill me as I looked forward with anticipation to meet him every afternoon, and sometimes at night. I’d find our meetings together too short as I often had to leave too soon to deal with the other things in my life. As a young lady in secondary school, studies had to come first above all. He encouraged me in my music life and, many a times, eased my frustrations from time to time.

He knew I was very passionate about music. Often he aggravated me to play or rather encouraged me to practice more by inspiring me through his musical mellow resonance and his ever-rustic looks.

Three days ago, he left with a friend of mine to do something – something that I was unsure of. Oh how much I missed him for those three long days. I couldn’t make music, neither could I play when he was not around. I grew weary thinking about him. Studies had to come first, but thoughts of him came to mind too often that I became restless.

“Where are you? What are you doing? Why has thou left me at this hour?” I began to question and curse under my breath. “Sigh, why have you left me in a labyrinth so dark that I tremble with fear within my heart, without you to pull me out of it all. How could you be so cruel to leave? I am going insane without you; you are my sanity. How can I live on like this?”

At last, news came via the telephone. This Saturday I would be able to see him once again! My heart leaped with joy as I began to regain my confidence. I still remember those very words coming from the other side of the line:

“OK Sarah, you can come pick it up on Saturday … your violin will be in perfect condition.”

What does all these four "men" have to do with one another and why are they significant to the author other than their relational ties? Our author explains it all in her finale, coming soon in two weeks...

The glory of the knight in shining armour

2006-04-09T23:35:00.000+08:00

By Algene Tan

I was listening to the radio on the way to work one morning. Listeners were calling up the station to share their views on the topic of the day. That morning, the topic was about women in their 30's who are still single and available and what is keeping them from marrying a knight in shining armour. Most callers were women who lamented the fact that while they do want to settle down, there were that no men were pursuing them.

However, one caller stood out: a woman said that it was easier for her to get a guy when there are other guys also competing for her at the same time!

Although that statement may sound hilarious, it rings true. I believe the Great Creator up there made us in such a way that men want to fight for something and women want to be pursued. Since ancient times, men have fought wars to win a woman. I'm very sure that in each of those wars, those women felt flattered that men would go great lengths to get them.
Even today, when girls are taught to be independent, the desire to be pursued is ever present. I think every girl would rather that the guy does the pursuing, instead of the other way round.

To use an analogy, it is like replacing sugar in your drinks with aspartame. You can get the same sweetness, but nothing beats the real thing. While you may feel great that you chose a low-calorie drink, the thought that it contains artificial sugar just sticks out in your mind.

Similarly, there is no harm when a girl does the pursuing, but just as some people say there is an aftertaste after taking aspartame (I, for one, can vouch that), there may be an "aftertaste" in the relationship as it progresses if it was the girl who did the pursuing.

For my sisters: If the guy you fancy is dilly-dallying, the solution is simple — wait. Enjoy your friendship with him and do not make him rush. The waiting period is a precious time for you both to determine if you are meant for each other. It helps you develop your personalities and the skills needed to be a life-long companion. Quoting a friend (and a previous printed edition of Phases): Waiting never killed anyone. Let him do the pursuing; let him fight to win your heart.

For my brothers: A pretty face may be a sight to behold, but don't forget that it comes with a heart, too. And hearts are very precious and sensitive things. Be the knight in shining armour by growing up and be a man, not being afraid to pursue the girl, and fight for your right to capture the girl's heart. And once you have captured her heart, please take good care of it, like you would your own heart. Those are the very things that would make you glorious in your shining armour, in the eyes of the girl you love.

The Four Men in My Life in Four Parts: Part 3

2006-04-02T20:55:00.000+08:00

By Sarah Lee

Part 3:
My Boyfriend

He is the ever present man in my life that filled the void my father and my brother left empty. Our supposed love story is one that takes forever to tell. Perhaps it was God’s timing for it to happen as such. Not to worry, I’ll spare you the details.

When it comes to relationships, I am not an expert in it … not even the slightest bit. Theories and concepts about boy-girl relationships are just about all I have, in addition to the trial-and-error relationships I had as a teenager.

As I grew up, various things began to develop personally for me, especially when I started my higher education pursuit. I wanted a romantic relationship, but it never took precedence over my studies. After all, my parents didn’t work hard all those years just to see all their blood, sweat and tears tossed out the window.

Out of filial respect, I made sure I kept up my grades to keep them happy. As an old camp leader once told me during a School Christian Fellowship camp, “No romantic relationship is worth sacrificing your studies. A true relationship should help improve your studies instead and not the other way around.” I still hold true to it even today.

My current boyfriend and I were best friends for two years before we started dating. During those two years I was dating someone else at the time. Nevertheless, things took an interesting turn and led our paths to each other.

I wouldn’t say our relationship is perfect, but for some strange reason or another, it managed to fulfil what my father and brother failed to give me — a male role influence in my life. I was able to build a bond with a male figure, and that gave me different perspective in my life.

Some character traits I developed when my boyfriend became a part of my life: learning to love unconditionally; becoming a bearer of confidentiality; developing domestic skills like cooking and sewing; walking in a man’s pair of shoes in an introspective way and much more. Oh, and not forgetting the incessant dislike for raspberries (the blowing of one’s tummy creating an amusing sound for the blower). I do not claim that every girl will pick up such traits when they get involved in a relationship, but rather traits will develop within an individual when two people come together.

Admittedly, he has made my life happier and the world a much pleasant place to be. It is not because he is perfect or that he is superman, but because he is himself and I treasure him dearly, shortcomings, victories and all. He inspired me greatly to aspire for greater things, like achieving the utmost highest in education with what little talent and knowledge I have and to be the best in whatever I do. He is a man who supports my ambition and pursuit of knowledge. I do so likewise for him as well.

He often reminds me of all the traits I had wanted in my father and brother, which is a bonus for me — having all the wants of a familial relations in a romantic partner and much more. I only wish he could do without the raspberries and just be a sweetheart as he already is. Ironically that isn’t going to be the case, not even in the distant future.

Even so, I always have questions running at the back of my mind, whether if he is the one for me. I guess in good timing, or rather in God’s timing, I will find out. Boy-girl relationship is still not my area of expertise, but at least I know that I can trust God to lead me to the right guy.

After much prayer and contemplation, my boyfriend and I are looking into eternity together — marriage in other words. Does this scare me at all? Yes it does and I am still waiting on God’s timing.

Coming next... animate, inanimate. He doesn't seek existence, but he lives to produce a mellow tune. Who is he? Read about it in Part 4.

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

2006-03-26T22:48:00.000+08:00

By Algene Tan

Sometimes, looking for friends whom we can count on, share our ups and downs in life, and love (sometimes more than we love our own siblings!) is not easy. In school, you can be the most popular person and yet every night you wet your pillow with tears because while you have many acquaintances, you feel alone because you have no friend whom you can really be really intimate with.

That was the situation for me. I knew many people, but I could not find a bosom buddy. If you read my biography in autograph books I had filled for my primary school friends, you would see a discrepancy in my list of "best friends," simply because I added names of those I "targetted" to fill that role, but we never ended up best friends!

During the Sweet Valley hype in the '90s, reading the adventures of the Wakefield twins made me wish that I had a twin sister so that I would not have to find a best friend. But of course, that was just wishful thinking.

Later in secondary school, I was greatly distraught when a girl I regarded as my best friend didn't want to accept me as her best friend. Since then, I felt that I was simply made to be a social butterfly of sorts. In other words, I can be acquainted with many people, but I will never be part of any clique. So I stopped trying so hard to look for a best friend.

But it was also through the same secondary school's Christian Fellowship that I found the Perfect Friend on whom I could count for anything and everything. I then accepted Him as my Perfect Friend.

So when I progressed on to college and university, I realised that it would be an added blessing if I could find a best friend. But all the same, I ought to treasure and love people even if they do not accept me beyond acquaintance-ship. It is a difficult act that I'm still trying my best at.

I also realised that true friends ought to bring out the best in you, and so you ought to accept their criticisms about characteristics that you have that need to be changed (the wise ones, of course) because it is for your own benefit. Most of all, those same friends should make you feel comfortable about yourself, so that you do not have to put on a mask and pretend to be someone else.

There is a proverb that goes "There are 'friends' who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24 - NLT). It was during my time in college and university that I knew this proverb to the true. I have seen "friends" who used each other for their benefit and ended up with bitter and hurt hearts. Can you imagine going through a lifetime of carrying those feelings? It's terrible!

But it also then that I finally found circles of friends whom I can count on, share my ups and downs in life with, and most of all … to love to bits. They became an embodiment of the "best friend" I had always wanted; in fact, I regard them as my siblings — a band of brothers and sisters. I know now that I am never alone, because of my friends and, ultimately, my Perfect Friend.

And for this, I am grateful to my Perfect Friend for blessing me with awesome friends such as them.

The Four Men in My Life in Four Parts: Part 2

2006-03-19T20:43:00.000+08:00

By Sarah Lee

Part 2
My brother...

When I was little, my brother loved giving me raspberries. No, not the delectable berries, but the act of placing his mouth on my fleshy tummy and blowing at it. It tickled me for as long as he kept blowing, making funny sounds along with it.
Growing up with my brother was bittersweet; I used to cry every time he gave me Malay tuition at home. Not that he laid a finger on me or such, but rather because he raised his voice at me just like Dad, which never fails to scare me. Mom said it was “special tuition” for me, but I didn’t want it because I became afraid of my brother and I couldn’t bring myself to go near him. The tuition and the yelling ended with severed relations. Later, all was mended with a simple tease and, once again, a raspberry.

Now as a grown young lady, my relationship with my brother is no longer as it used to be — the tickles, immense teasing and, of course, the big-brother bullying. He’s now a grown man, married with a wife and two kids. Older … wiser? Perhaps. Talking to him feels like talking to a familiar stranger sometimes. It is as if all the years of memories with him disappeared with a blink of an eye. We converse and stand or sit beside each other with a vacuum-like space between us, a distance that developed during the years when he went overseas to study, work and then marry, while I was in my early secondary school years.

I still don’t know my brother all that well, after all these years. His happiness, his pains and struggles … none of it. Do I even want to know? As the youngest sibling, I should care more about him and take note of his well-being. Shouldn’t I, as a family member at least? I have wondered about this for months and years. Even when I tried, there was nothing that could gel us together. I guess we grew apart, and our interests just drove us to different ends.

Sometimes I long for that brotherly love that my other friends share with their brothers —a big brother who will slap another boy silly for bullying his younger sister; a big brother who will spoil his younger sister with her favorite gifts; a brother who will always be there for his lil’ sis through thick and thin.

I want all of that and more in this sibling relationship, but with my busy schedule and his hectic family life, will we ever be able to achieve such? Two have to want it. Am I ready for this? Does he want it? Perhaps I am too old for raspberries, but I would choose to have a raspberry from my brother if it means gelling us together again.

Part 3: The raspberry legacy continues, but another man from a different part of the sphere takes the stand and pledges eternity … who on earth is this man now?

Pop quiz

2006-03-13T12:11:00.000+08:00

By Algene Tan

"I think I'm in love with you," so sang a very cheerful Jessica Simpson in one of her hits a few years back. However, note the words "I think."

So perhaps at this moment, everything is grey and unsure ... and you want a confirmation. What is the wisest thing to do? Go approach the subject of your passionate feelings and say "I have a crush on you," (ala Mandy Moore), hook up with that person, and see what happens next?

Romantic relationships were never meant to be taken lightly and "experimented." Having feelings for a particular person does not mean you have a licence to immediately jump into a relationship, even if these feelings are reciprocated. There are questions to be asked, ones that you have to answer. Here’s a quick rundown of the Big Qs you have to ask yourself:

• What drives me in life?
Who is my Master? Whom am I serving?

• Do I know what I want to do in life?
What is my mission? Why am I on earth at such a time as this?

• Am I able to care for another person's heart?
Am I willing to accept the responsibilities entailing from a relationship? Will I be able to be a blessing to the other person?

If you are unable to answer affirmatively to the above three questions, chances are you’re not ready for a romantic relationship. However, if you are able to give a definite and confident answer to these questions, more questions remain to be answered:

• At what age do I want to get married?
Pretty straight-forward. But if you’re 16 and only intend to get married at 26, that’s 10 long years to be in an unmarried relationship with someone. Furthermore, your likes and dislikes, your goals and ambitions in life, are quite different when you’re in secondary school compared to when you’re working.

• Will I be able to support a family?
This would mean that you should be able to have a fixed job.
I must note that to be financially stable and to be financially satisfied are two different things. The former is being able to earn your keep and spend wisely. The latter means wanting more money, which is a lust that cannot be satisfied.

• Can I live with her/him for the rest of my life?
Can I live without her/him? Will I want to grow old with her/him? Will I want to build a family with her/him? Will I be able to accept all his/her talents AND flaws, especially if he/her never changes?

After all, romantic relationships should not be entered into without marriage in mind. If you balk at the thought of marriage, then you should not be dating at all. Britney Spears, the Backstreet Boys and recently the Black Eyed Peas sang about playing games with their hearts, and dating without marriage in mind is just that. This is because the both of you are in a relationship to "test things out." In the process, you are toying with another person’s heart, which at the end of the day may not belong to you but to someone else! So much for your happy ending.

If you are already thinking about marriage, then I have something to add, too. The wisest man in history said "Don’t build your house and establish a home until your fields are ready and you are sure you can earn a living" (Proverbs 24:27, TEV). This can mean that prior to marriage, we ought to know what we want to do in life. However, take note that ambitions and dreams can change overnight, and so the best thing to do is to give it some time for confirmation. Wait until you have a confirmation; the length of time would depend on each individual. In the meantime, you can enjoy your singlehood, which can be a most exciting time in a young person’s life.

I do not deny the fact that having a romantic relationship is wonderful, but one should not enter into it blindly. It is a serious matter that requires much reflection, consultation and prayer. Then on your wedding day, you would truly be able to echo 98 Degrees: "I do cherish you."

The Four Men in My Life in Four Parts

2006-03-05T22:11:00.000+08:00

By Sarah Lee

Part 1
My father...

Just the other day, my father did the most unexpected thing. He bought me a thumb drive with 1 GB of space in it. Of late I’ve been hi-jacking my mom’s computer to print various files from my laptop. I don’t have a floppy drive or CDRs to copy my stuff.

So I resorted to emailing myself the files to print on mom’s computer. Dad noticed my routine and one day asked me, “Do you need a thumb drive?” I replied, “No, not really… I use emails to transfer the files over to mom’s computer.”

A few days later, dad knocked on my door and passed me a dark blue box. He mumbled something along the lines of, “It comes in multiple colors, don’t know whether it works.” Puzzled, I looked at the box carefully and it was a thumb drive! It came in a variety of colors for its cover, but whether it was compatible with my Mac laptop was another matter. I trailed my finger along the instructions at the back of the box and found the phrase “Compatible with Windows and Mac”. Phew!

My dad is an interesting character, I never quite understood him while I was growing up. He barely spoke to me about stuff relating to boys or love. The only thing I remember him most for is the breakfast he buys every morning for me. Sometimes nasi lemak, sometimes pan mee, and other times siew mai or yu mai… depending on the availability.

I don’t think I have an exact good relationship with my father, but regardless he’s someone I respect. Ever since I came back from the States, I made a point to talk to him periodically, and give him hugs and kisses like I would for mom regularly. In a way I am trying to build a relationship with him, a father-daughter relationship.

When it comes to parents, we always have our favorites. Hence you have pet names like “mama’s boy” and “daddy’s little girl”. Generally, I was closer to my mom than my dad. My dad was either busy working or just didn’t have time to talk to me. Perhaps, he just didn’t know how to since I grew up too quickly before his eyes.

Is a father-daughter or even son relationship really important? To some extent I think yes, though not forsaking mothers of course, but for the purposes of this article my reference will be towards fathers only. For various reasons a father and child relationship is important though mostly because I feel it is important to honor your parents (Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother.”)

In my opinion, it is quite difficult for me to honor or even truly respect a person without knowing him or her personally or at all. My dad has his pitfalls and often do not deserve my respect at all. It is a matter that I grapple with constantly. As I ponder about God being my heavenly father versus my earthly father on who truly deserves my respect, I concluded as such:
We have been taught as Christians to “honor thy father and thy mother”, how much more then I should be honoring and respecting my heavenly father?

And the rabbit hole goes even deeper and further. This will always remain as a grappling matter for me, but at the mean time there is no harm in getting to know the man who financed me all my life.

Thus far, I wouldn’t say the journey of this father-daughter relationship pursuit has been easy, but day-by-day the comfort zone slowly blooms and I begin to understand my father’s quirky ways. The thumb drive is just one of those simple beginnings.

PART 2: The raspberry giver, a big bully and constantly missing in action… who is this other man? Look out for it in Part 2 in two weeks time!

Being accidental in love

2006-02-27T15:10:00.000+08:00

By Algene Tan

I am a firm believer that most kinds of heartaches can be avoided, the same way one can avoid being in accidents. The key thing to keep in mind is to guard your heart ("Above all else, guard your heart, for it affect everything you do", Proverbs 4:23, NLT). These heartaches are caused by common mistakes that I have noted below in various scenarios:

Scenario 1:
Ah Mei meets Ah Meng. Ah Meng fits every criteria Ah Mei has in her "All I Want In A Husband" list. Besides, Ah Meng treats her very nicely. Too nicely, in fact, that this caused Ah Mei to assume that Ah Meng has feelings for her. Ah Mei then starts to daydream about the day she would marry Ah Meng and live happily ever after - all the while waiting for Ah Meng to make his move. But apparently Ah Meng regarded her as a sister and nothing more. Ah Meng ended up with Ah Keng, thus leaving Ah Mei feeling 'jilted' because she had 'dated' Ah Meng in her mind.

Scenario 2:
All the above, except that Ah Mei made the move. Ah Meng rejects her nicely, but the bond of friendship they had initially is now broken, because Ah Meng now feels awkward to be with Ah Mei.

Scenario 3:
Bobby gets to know Bobbina, and eventually falls head over heels over her. He told her of his feelings, and much to his pleasure and surprise, Bobbina felt the same way, too. But Bobby had not directly asked her if she would be his girlfriend, and took her to mean that she had already agreed to enter into a relationship with him just because she "also felt the same way". In fact, Bobbina thinks that they shouldn't rush into things and stay friends first. Hence it was a very confused Bobbina when one day when they were walking together, he suddenly grabbed her hand to hold. When Bobbina summed up the courage to clarify the misunderstanding with Bobby, Bobby was not only crushed but he also mistook her for being mean for taking him on a ride.

Scenario 4:
Michael is crazy over Michaela and is very sure that they will marry each other some day, thus causing him to unconsciously lay a claim on Michaela and he begins to regard Michaela as his own, despite them still being in a platonic relationship. Michael later asked her if she could be his girlfriend, but she refused, saying that she had always regarded him as a friend and nothing more. Ouch. Michael refused to admit defeat and continued to pursue her and only stopped when Michaela married Mickey years later. By then, Michael was burnt out from this unrequited love.

So what's the deal with all these scenarios?

All these scenarios involve misunderstandings and assumptions, which leaves the main persons' in each scenario with heartaches that could have easily been avoided initially. It is just a matter of taking things under control. Daydreaming or fantasizing about the object of your desire is fine to a certain extent. It turns bad when you find yourself dating that person in your mind and laying a claim on that person when it is not definite whether that platonic relationship would turn into a romantic relationship in the near future.

After you have finally pondered through the reasons why you want to be in a romantic relationship with a particular person and when you are ready for one, then make sure you make your intentions clear to the other person. Not making things clear or acting on assumptions is a recipe for disaster that may destroy any chances for you both to be together, and worse still, it may destroy what previously was a good friendship.

(In my personal opinion, it should be the guys who make the move and not the girls. Of course we can all point to the Biblical story of Ruth and how she made a move towards Boaz...but that is another topic altogether, of which I will discuss soon enough)

I do not deny that we learn best from our mistakes, but you simply do not learn how to drive a car or ride a bicycle by getting into accidents, do you? You try your uttermost best to avoid accidents. It is the same here - if the road ahead is unclear, go slow (don't make any necessary moves), turn the headlights on when it is dark (seek guidance), stick to your lane and don’t overtake unnecessarily (don't rush or jump into the matter)! This is because if you fore go all precautions, the result could be disastrous.

Love is not reckless, so make sure your head is in the same pace as your heart because it pays to proceed with care. You won’t want to end up with a broken heart that takes ages to heal.

*Editor: Agree? Disagree? Or just have something to say about this article? Leave a comment or write to us at phasesonline@gmail.com

Making Friends: Is it really that hard?

2006-02-19T22:49:00.000+08:00

By Sarah Lee

"Do they like me?"

"Will they think I'm weird?"

"Do I have something stuck between my teeth?"

These are just some of the questions that come to mind when we meet someone for the first time. And then, we make our first attempt to start a conversation. We start to sweat a bit perhaps, fidget a little and stutter throughout the conversation. Sounds familiar? Well, I was in your shoes too.

Growing up and making friends was a force to be reckoned with for me, especially when it came to mingling with people of the opposite sex.

I always envied people who were able to speak articulately and make conversations with someone they don't know, without much effort. Call me paranoid, but I thought I was too weird that's why nobody would want to be friends with me.

Cosmo, Elle, Seventeen, Allure, 101 Ways to Flirt, The Bible Guide to Conversation Starters, beauty magazines or even self-help books; they offer loads of advice on how to grab a guy/girl's attention or how to flirt. But often its age specific or with a hidden agenda like, "if you do this, he/she will be happy and will want to be close to you or want to know more about you."

Why is making friends with girls or boys so difficult and what's with all these hidden agendas?

Actually, it isn't that difficult at all and you don't always need to have a hidden agenda. Surprised? Yes? No?

I'm sure perhaps someone in your lifetime must have said, "just be yourself" when it comes to making friends. If not, well... BE YOURSELF!

Be myself? "What does that mean?" you might ask.

It means being comfortable with yourself and not afraid to laugh at yourself when you goof up or make a mistake. Sounds simple enough, but what is the connection between being myself and making friends?

Well, when making friends, people are generally attracted (not necessarily in a romantic way) to someone who is confident and comfortable with themselves. Not someone who is uptight and speaks uncertainly about themselves.

Friendship is built on trust. Making friends is the process of earning that trust. So, if someone acts suspiciously, would you actually trust that person to be your friend?

No, right?

At this point, making friends sounds terribly complex doesnít it? Honestly, it isn't especially when you piece everything together.

All right, so we've pinned down the part about being yourself and earning the other person's trust. So what's next?

Go talk to the person. It's difficult to build up the courage to talk to someone you donít know but if you never try, you never know whether you might gain a new best friend or mamak buddy.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Still feeling unsure and scared? Well, hereís a tip that I tried when I was trying to make friends for the first time and hasnít failed so far. I prayed. Yes, I prayed that God would grant me the courage and the right words to say. At the same time, to keep me relaxed so that I wouldn't die of embarrassment in front of that person.

Sounds easy enough, right?

As a journalist for me, we have to ask questions all the time in order to write a story. No question is ever too silly or too ridiculous, just as long as you ask that question. Same goes for making friends. You start off perhaps asking a question like "How are you?", "Cute shoes! where did you get them from?" or "Did you hear about the mamak store down the road? They're giving away free nasi lemak!"

Simple questions, silly or even ridiculous... build up the courage and just ask it. There is no harm in asking a question. The only thing that could possibly happen is the person you're asking ignores you. But don't let that stop you. Yes, your ego would have been scratched but there are so many people in the world that you could be friends with and would want to be your friend.

If you keep trying again, you'll never know what interesting friends might come your way.

*Editor: Agree? Disagree? Or just have something to say about this article? Leave a comment or write to us at phasesonline@gmail.com

An aspiring pak-thorlogist in the works...

2006-01-28T15:42:00.000+08:00

By Algene Tan

I am a student in the School of Love; hoping to graduate with flying colours in the area of this mysterious, but yet wonderful thing called 'love'. One might call me an aspiring pak-thorlogist in the works or so I hope.

Let me share with you how my education in love began...

I had always been in a co-ed school and I used to think that boys are from Mars, but not until I got into secondary school. It changed when a particular chap in my Form 1 class befriended me. He impressed me with his knowledge of computers and he was the top student in my class. His gentle manner made me realised that not all boys are from Mars after all.

Our classmates teased us endlessly about being together. At that time it was 1995, the dating scene in lower secondary school was pretty much considered taboo. We were both good friends, but we never made it clear to each other if we had feelings one another. When Form 2 rolled in, his parents made him change schools. He tried to keep in touch with me, but by that time I had a change of heart and I severed all ties with him. I was cruel indeed, but I was only 14, a rookie in love.

When I was in college, I read a book by Joshua Harris' called, "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". The book encouraged me to begin dating only when Mr. Right pursues me and ONLY when I am ready for marriage. I was determined to keep up with this philosophy from that day onwards.

Despite my new found philosophy, I was still keen to be a pak-thorlogist - learning and experiencing everything that love could teach me.

I remember an incident where my church pastor had to attend to some emergency and he could not deliver his scheduled sermon on Boy Girl Relationships (BGR) that evening for Youth Fellowship. Unless, "One of you (the church's Student Fellowship committee members) delivers the sermon," he said.

"Pastor, we can't," I said. "We are all just pak-thorlogists-in-training!"

He grinned and replied, "Yes, and the rest of you have much to learn before qualifying as one."

I don't know when I will ever graduate from the School of Love, but I still look forward to its lessons each day. Sometimes those lessons hurt and at other times they encourage me. The various exams and tests given in this school are indeed very tough, but every time without fail they all point to the one source of love and that is God Himself.

He is the REAL pak-thorlogist after all.

*Editor: Agree? Disagree? Or just have something to say about this article? Leave a comment or write to us at phasesonline@gmail.com